The Empire Strikes Out, as Does Everyone Else
by Maidenhair
Summary: A tribute to my brother's obcession. A Jedi named Jed, Obiwan's fatherly side, Don Juan, what next?
1. Chapter 1

The Empire Strikes Out, as Does Everyone Else 

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. 

Dedicated to my SW loving brother who will be insulted by this as sure as there are eagles on Proposal Rock.

Note: I'm not a Star Wars fan, so if I spell something wrong please help me, in fact, it would be VERY nice of you to send me all the spellings you can think of in a sweet little review. ;)

_Scene, after Obi-wan finds that Anakin has joined the dark side._

"What? How could he do this to me? After all I've done!" Obi-wan brushed a few tears from his beard.

"What _have_ you done?" a nameless Jedi asked.

"I've tucked him in every night, made him a pink teddy-bear cake on every birthday, gave him color crayons, called him my Ani-wanni-shmo-shmanny-fee-fi-fo-fanny-ani. I've been the perfect daddy –er- Jedi master!"

"Well, I think that's your reason right there." The nameless Jedi muttered.

"Say, what's your name? I don't reckon I've seen you before." Obi-wan said.

"I'm Jed, the new guy who never made it in even ONE of the movies. I'm a figment of the creation of a notorious PhantomPhan, the child of sarcasm and Broadway parodies. I would have been played by Michael Crawford, but he betrayed me for the part of Count Fosco, curse him." The nameless Jedi who wasn't actually nameless said.

"Uh, ok." Obi-wan replied, "What's a PhantomPhan?"

"You don't wanna know!" Jed answered, "So, what do ya intend to do about Ani?"

"Um, I don't know," Obi-wan admitted, "We seem to be loosing a lot of Jedi lately. If they don't join they dark side they die, and if they don't die they become Sponge Bob characters. Either way it's bad for us."

"Well, ya know what we gotta do?" Jed asked.

"Just keep swimming?" Obi-wan ventured.

"No! We have to recruit more Jedi peoples!" Jed cried.

"Recruit more Jedi peoples?" Obi-wan asked.

"Recruit more Jedi peoples!" Jed cried out again.

"Recruit more Jedi peoples!" Obi-wan exclaimed, Jed's vibrancy for the cause rubbing off on him as well.

"And Don Juan triumphs once more!" Jed sang.

"Huh?" Obi-wan asked.

"Ooops, sorry. Wrong story. I've been a nameless background character in more that just Star Wars you know. Sometimes my past comes back to me.

"O-kay?" Obi-wan said, "And who's Don Juan?"

"Oh, you know, that character from Spanish folklore, Lord Byron's masterpiece: -_What hopes of man/ Old Egypt's King Cheops erected the first Pyramid/ And largest, thinking it was just the thing/ To keep his memory whole, and mummy hid..._ - and Mozart's Don Giovanni?"

"Uh..." Obi-wan racked his brain, but he couldn't remember ever hearing of Don Juan and all his extra knowledge that accompanied him.

"Oh, well, some Jedi _you_ are. Don't even know that DON JUAN TRIUMPHS ONCE MORE! Oops, sorry, my bad." Jed was rambling now.

"Well, what's the plan my man?" Obi-wan asked impatiently.

"We find the Jedi, we see the Jedi, we feed the Jedi muffins, we bring the Jedi back, Don Juan Triumphs and we defeat the Sick!"

"You mean the Si_th_." Obi-wan corrected.

"I meant to say that." Jed apologized.

"Sick or Sith?"

"Sith, stupid!" Jed exclaimed, "Alright, now for step A in plan Jedi-find-Don Juan-muffin-X."

"What's step A?" Obi-wan asked curiously.

"We find potential Jedis on my palm-pilot." Jed explained.

"You, you have a PALM-PILOT?" Obi-wan asked, "I thought those were antique!"

"I don't believe in throwing ANYTHING away." Jed said as he rummage through all the garbage in his bag, looking for the palm-pilot.

"What in the world is THIS huge thing?" Obi-wan asked.

"That's a 1970s cell phone." Jed said, "Ah, here's the old palm-pilot." Jed pushed a few buttons and grunted to himself. Finally he said, "Get the ship ready, m' man! We're headin' off!"

**Reward please? I'll take mine in reviews if yea don't mind laddies and lassies. **


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

Jed swerved the ship dangerously from side to side singing, "Lizzie Borden took and ax, and gave her mother forty wacks; when she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty one!"

"Stop! You're worse than Ani!" Obi-wan cried, his stomach wildly protesting the bumps and swerves.

"Ok, sorry." Jed apologized, "I will sing Loch Lomond. From the refrain! Oh! Ye'll tak' the high road an' I'll tak' the low road, an' I'll be in Scotland before ye; but I and my true love will never meet again, on the bonny, bonny banks o' Loch Lomond!"

"No, I didn't mean the song! I meant your flying! Be careful!" Obi-wan exclaimed.

"I am a perrrrrrfect flier!" Jed huffed, "Oh, and I bet you didn't know I was Scottish like you!"

"I'm not Scottish!" Obi-wan protested, "I don't even know where that is!"

"Well, sor-ry!" Jed sniffed, "You _sound_ Scottish!"

"Well, blame Ewan McGreggor!" Obi-wan replied.

"Ugh. That's the guy who played Frank in _Emma_, right? Such a girly-boy! And that _lame_ song he sings. 'Have you seen my lady, go down to the garden singing, shaming the rose and lilies, for she is twice as fair?' Or something like that. Gosh! I would just die if I was ever played by that guy!" Jed said snottily.

"You're cruzin' for a bruzin'." Obi-wan muttered.

"Now for another _be_autiful song!" Jed giggled.

"You're not Scottish either, you're like... something entirely different!" Obi-wan grumbled.

"There was a little man, and he had a little gun," Jed sang, "and his bullets were made of lead, lead, lead; he went down to the brook, and saw a little ducky, and... **SHOT IT THROUGH THE HEAD, HEAD, HEAD!"**

"Argggg!" Obi-wan growled.

Hours and hours later...

"Oh, Paddy dear, an' did ye hear the news that goin' round? The shamrock is by law forbid to grow on Irish ground! No more St. Patrick's day we'll keep, his color can't be seen, for there's a cruel law agin' the wearin' o' the Green!"

"Jed!" Obi-wan cried, "We're approaching a planet!"

"For they're hangin' men an' women for the wearin' o' the Green!" Jed sang, brushing away a few anti-British tears, "That was the Shan-von-Voght, a great Irish tune."

"Uh-huh, whatever." Obi-wan interrupted quickly, "There's a planet ahead. Is this where we're going?"

"Uh, no." Jed replied, "MORE SINGING! Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly!"

"I'm going to die!" Obi-wan moaned.

More hours later...

"...Though I probably will not exclaim as I die, oh willo-tit-willo-tit-willo!" Jed finished.

"That was random." Obi-was mumbled.

"Oh, look! Were here!" Jed shouted. He pointed at a giant, flying petunia.

"WHAT?" Obi-wan nearly screamed, "Hours and hours of bad singing for this? A stupid flower?"

"Wait!" Jed hissed. Sure enough the flower changed into a plate, a fish, a ball of yellow yard, and finally a spaceship.

"That!" Jed said in awe, "Is where we'll find Jedis!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

Author's note: I know nothing about Star Wars. Sorry. I'm writing this in honor of Bugzby, my brother. If I make a mistake please correct me. I'm not justb

"It's just Jedi, not Jedis." Obi-wan corrected.

"Shut up." Jed snapped, "We must be on our BAST behavior. We are going to meet the president of the galaxy!"

"Huh?" Obi-wan asked.

"No time for 'huh' –a word which here means a three letter sound that SOME people make when they're too stupid to say 'what' or 'pardon me'." Jed said.

_Meanwhile, in the Jedi council (or is it counsel,) where many Jedi of whom I do not know their names are meeting, and Yoda, the Jedi whose name I DO know is there also –sitting on his flying disk thingy. _

"My the council, (or is it counsel,) please come to order." Said Jedi 1.

"Order it has must be." Yoda stated.

"Yeah, like, what he said, man." Shaggy, from Scooby-doo said. (Why was he there? Oh, yes, there was an intergalactic buffet.)

"He doing here what?" Yoda asked.

"There's an intergalactic buffet." Jedi 4 said.

"Like, I'll have a liver ice cream, man." Shaggy said.

"Whatever." Jedi 3 replied.

"We are here to talk about why Obi-wan-whose-name-we-can-not-fully-pronounce isn't here to talk about why Obi-wan-whose-name-we-can-not-fully-pronounce isn't here." Jedi 2 proclaimed.

"Gone is he?" Yoda asked.

"Like, no monsters involved is there?" Shaggy gulped.

"I have a question." Jedi 1 said, "Why is this green-shirted, unshaved glutton aloud in a top-secret Jedi meeting?"

"Uh..." all the Jedi said, "THROUGH HIM OUT!"

After Shaggy was tossed back into the Mystery Ship and transported back to earth the Jedi could continue.

"I plead that we change our names from Jedi to a word that actually changes when plural." Jedi 4 stated.

"Here! Here!" Jedi 2, 3, 4, and 5 cheered.

"About Obi-wan is this meeting. Change name not." Yoda replied coolly.

After thirty minutes of strenuous force usage the Jedi translated the message.

"Oh, bummer." They moaned, "Hippy is such a cooler name. It fills us with peace, love and joy!"

"And patchouli!" Jedi 3 added.

"Quiet you must be!" Yoda shouted, "About Obi-wan we must speak."

"He left with a guy named Jed." Jedi 5 spoke.

"Jed!" they all gasped, "NOOOOOOO! Not that lunatic!"

"Is a lunatic a tick that lives on the moon?" asked Anakin, who was eavesdropping via the force.

"Yes, and the word for many ticks is 'politics'." The Dark Lord replied.

"And _con_gress is the opposite if _pro_gress!"

"You learn well my your apprentice." The Dark Lord said proudly, "Reminds me of my old apprentice, Maul. _Sniffle_. Life will never be the same without that little, demonic guy hanging about. Seems just like yesterday I taught him to destroy people. _Sniff_."

_Back with Jed, who by now you all know is insane, and Obi-wan. _

The duo entered the space ship and underwent a serious transformation.

"Ooof." Obi-wan groaned, "I feel like a houseplant."

"Tell me about it." Jed moaned.

Suddenly they were turned into computers, high-heeled boots, Green Peace forms, caned food and finally themselves again.

"Such power this Jedi has!" Jed breathed in awe.

"I, I was inanimate objects!" Obi-wan gasped.

"Let us meet the president!" Jed shouted. They rushed through a door and crashed into a robot.

"Ooops." Obi-wan apologized, "I apologize!"

"Not that you mean it." The robot said sorrowfully.

"I do." Obi-wan reassured.

"No, you probably don't care what happens to a robot with chronic depression." The robot whimpered.

"Who are you?" Jed asked.

"I'm Marvin, not that you care." Marvin the robot sighed, stifling a sob.

"Could you show us the way to the president?" Jed asked.

"Not that it matters, but yes. I could give you some advice about seeing him, but you wouldn't like it. No one likes me either."

"Poor little guy!" Jed said, patting Marvin's shiny head.

"You don't need to pretend," Marvin grumbled miserably.

They followed Marvin through a series of doors that seemed to emanate happy sighs when they were opened.

"They are mocking me!" Marvin sobbed.

"Um, why did we turn into inanimate objects?" Obi-wan asked.

"Because of the probability button, not as if you care," Marvin muttered. They entered a white room. A television screen filled one wall. Watching it with a blank look was a man dressed in shiny shorts, a velvet coat, a beanie, high-healed boots, black fingernail polish, and a cravat. His hair was long and messy, and he had the appearance of someone who wanted to be totally hip and was failing miserably (but not knowing it.)

"This is the president," Marvin sighed, "Not much. There were others here, but they left for a honeymoon, and one went to a towel convention. I don't want to talk about them. They don't like me. They didn't invite me to come."

"Oh..." Obi-wan said, "Um, hello Mr. President."

The odd man at the TV jumped up and shuffled his feet, "Woa, like who are y'all?"

"I'm Jed the Jedi," said Jed, "And using my Jedi powers I know that you are Zaphod!"

Zaphod, who had forgotten that he was wearing a nametag the size of a dinner-plate, was impressed. "Dude! Teach me to do that! Ya know, I'm the president, I could order you to teach me –except apparently I have no real power."

"You really wanna learn, buddy?" Jed asked.

"Woa, like do I!" Zaphod exclaimed.

"Ok, come with us and be a Jedi," Jed answered.

"Ok," Zaphod said stupidly.

"I could tell you not to go, but you wouldn't listen. No one loves me!" Marvin wept.

The Jedi and Zaphod walked out and to Jed's ship.

"You really think that _this_ man is a good potential Jedi?" Obi-wan asked worriedly as Zaphod stopped every few seconds to look in the mirror.

"Oh yeah!" Jed replied, "He has two heads and three arms!"

"Oh, that explains it," Obi-wan said sarcastically.

They got into Jed's ship and buckled up. NEVER DRIVE –or fly- WITHOUT BEING BUCKLED UP! –ok.-

"Let's rock!" Zaphod laughed. Then he sat down in front of Jed's TV and zoned out.

"Alright! On ward to MIDDLE EARTH!" Jed cried dramatically.

"Um... where?" Obi-wan asked.

"Derrrrrrrr... TV..." Zaphod said, drooling on the carpet.

**REVIEW ME!**


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